BREED PET NARWHALS AT HOME in your spare time. The best kept money making secret of the ages. Now, a limited number of breeding pairs are available to the home breeder. Narwhals are a very rare in this area so there should be a great demand for them. Due to a shortage of Neanderthals in your area, you are eligible for the special introductory package price of just $499.95. Your special introductory package will include: A color picture brochure explaining the care and feeding of Narwhals. A list of perspective customers in your area. And last but not least, a detailed sales campaign you can use to inform your friends and neighbors about narwhals. What else could you want. Send CASH (no CHECK or COD) to Bonzo Retard Ltd., 13-4C Cemetery Place, Tucson, AZ.
EARN $500 An HOUR in your spare time growing Bubble Gum. As you already know, Bubble Gum is one of the most lucrative cash crops available to the backyard gardener. Growing Bubble Gum may be your big chance to become independently wealthy. Become a legend in your own mind, order your fabulous Bubble Gum Seed starter kit today. You will jump for joy when you receive, by return mail, a large package of premium Bubble Gum seeds. All you do is plant them under restaurant counters and stools, church pews, and diner booths in your area. Allow two to three weeks the crop to mature and be ready for the harvest. Get ready to cash in big on your very first crop of bubble gum. Bubble Gum grows like magic. There is no watering, cultivating, or tedious weeding necessary. Hurry, you do not want to be left out of this limited time offer. Send $439.95 ,CASH ONLY, to Choosey Chewers Chew Bubble Gum Seed Company, Neurosis Way, Tucson, AZ.
DEPRESSED, NEUROTIC,
CONFUSED ABOUT LIFE? Now, help is available 24 hours a day with the PSYCHOTIC HOTLINE. Dial 1 (900) IAM - NUTS and talk with one of our live premier psychotics. If you have a touch tone phone, press 666 at the start of your call and you will be immediately connected to one of our famous dead psychotics. Napoleon, Rasputin, Mickey Mouse, they're all here on our premier Psychotic Hot line.
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The Psychotic Hot line is your key to personal one-on-one companion-ship with people who are as sick as you are. Now it is as easy as dialing a phone to talk to new imaginary friends, or the imaginary friend of someone really important. Imagine being able to talk to one of Hitler's friends. The psychotic hot line is just $14.95 per minute. You must be over 18 (inches tall or IQ) to call.
CURE FOR HEADACHE, STRESS, NERVOUSNESS, and CONSTIPATION is now available with the Lobelia Method of Brain Surgery. Say goodbye to heart diseases, liver warts, bilious bile ducts, and unsightly skin fungus. Dr. Lobelia is a self educated, German Nuberhund, who specializes in the ancient art of Creative Brain Surgery. For a limited time only, Dr. Lobelia is offering a two month, home-study course in Brain Surgery. Now you can get into this lucrative field of medicine, previously denied to most Americans. If you are good with your hands, can fix a truck carburetor, or just make toast, you can be a Brain Surgeon. For a small donation to Dr. Lobelia's Brain Surgery Clinic (CASH ONLY), you will receive your training lessons, tools (instruments to you fussy people) and a complete diagram of the brain for your office wall. After the course you will receive your diploma to hang next to your classy brain diagram. All this is your for the small amount of just $999.99. Because it a "doctor degree", there is no state sales tax.
EXTEND YOUR LIFE INDEFINITELY!!! Now it is possible to live as long as you wish. Drinking a steady diet of 3 or more cases of beer a day can completely embalm you body while you are still walking. Leave it up to your favorite beer to walk you to the promised land.
$5000.00 A WEEK is now possible for all agents qualifying for an electrifying career selling Dr. Hydes Tanning Cream. Because of the overwhelming demands for this product, nitwits, morons, and congressmen will be given preference on their applications. Why sit around and work for some twit? You can work outside, in the fresh air, selling this great product. Too many tanning products are on the market that just give your body a less than skin deep tan.
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Dr. Hydes Tanning Cream gets down deep into your flesh and gives your skin the beautiful look of Fine Corinthian Leather. Contact Dr. Hides Tannery, Ltd., 1313 Leather Strap Road, Tucson, AZ. for availability of sales openings in your area. Be sure to send $49.94 in cash with your inquiry.
TIRED BLOOD? Give it a rest with Dr. Loopers' Miracle blood resting device. Send $124.95 plus $5.95 SIH to Dr. Loopers' Miracle Device, 137 Pulmonary Block Circle, Tucson, AZ. and receive the patented BLOOD RESTER. The Blood Rester works on a very simple principle. Put a tourniquet around your waste and tighten it, you will completely cut off circulation to your lower extremities. This technique will give the blood in your lower body time to rest. Thus the cure for tired blood. It is so simple, inexpensive, and hypo-allergenic, you will never know why someone has not come up with this before. Dr. Looper was able to develop this device between electro-shock treatments while at residence in Bellview. Now you can benefit at home from all this devoted doctor's effort.
Great custom web site for as little as $45.00/HOUR Crossfire Software provides some of the best business and public web sites for a very reasonable price of just $25/hr and that's NO BULL! Call
(610) 350 - 6561
for more information.
LEARN TO OPERATE A BUSINESS IN YOUR HOME. The Sleaze Institute of Home Study will have you tapping the keys of your very own, fine simulated wood grain, cash register within a few short weeks. Just paying your CASH ONLY Enrollment Fee of just $4,999.95. Your business training will start the day we receive your cash. Some of your most important lessons will have to be learned the hard way. We believe the hard way is the most permanent way here at the Institute. Like us telling you: "We never received your cash." Slowly, through our "hands in your pocket" training methods, we will bring about the completion of your training for the business world of the Nineties. Send $514.99 SIH for more information to Malefactor University, Box 1313, Tucson, AZ.
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